Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Check your privilege
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.