Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
it was a valiant fight
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.