Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I know this now 😂
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.