Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong