“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.