Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people