sistine chapel
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Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Art by Pastelkatto
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car