As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.