A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
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deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN