[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
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Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”