Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
You Might Also Like
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.