My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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Put the is in disheveled
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work