“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
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Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
😜
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?