Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Why is no one talking about this?!
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.