Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Kidney stones? Hard pass
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today