coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them