doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
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The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
🐕🍷
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?