[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
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me: It鈥檚 raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her鈥攏ot hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don鈥檛 wanna get up
I promised my kids a genuine New Year鈥檚 party: I鈥檒l be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I鈥檓 sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I鈥檝e been chasing that high ever since.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Her: why don鈥檛 we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 馃檮 chill out. You aren鈥檛 a teletubby.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can鈥檛 move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.