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did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.