Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.