“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]