push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
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My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I need a headline like this
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.