At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
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Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.