Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!