The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker