Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division