Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
My typo game is string.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.