The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Do one person every day that scares you.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER