7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
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Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty