My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.