*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
something like this could probably happen to anyone
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.