I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.