called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.