Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.