[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
You Might Also Like
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish