a fate I wish upon no one
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Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Van Gone
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait