My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
You Might Also Like
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.