A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
You Might Also Like
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.