Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
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Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Yes, this is exactly right
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?