America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Running your mouth is not cardio.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?