friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
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Risking my life for fun.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
me 2 months after i graduated
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?