There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”