Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
That took me a moment.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Snapes on a plane.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection