If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Breaking news:
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
doing your own taxes
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works