Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.