I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?