The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.