I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
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Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
One of the best
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.