*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
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Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Welcome to the stomach
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)