Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.